On “Forbearance and Patience”
(Translated into English from His Tamizh discourses -“arul mozhigal”)
by Sudarshan Madabushi
(An edited version of this blogpost was published in the July 2021 issue of “VAINAVAN KURAL” (Voice of Vaishnavas), a monthly magazine published from Chennai, INDIA)
“kshamaa shasthram karey yasya durjana: kim karishyathi I
athruNE patito vanhi: svayamevopashaamyathi II”
“nasyaabharaNam roopam roopamyaabharaNam guNa: I
guNasyaabharaNam gnyaanam gnyaanasyaabharaNam kshamaa II”
“Kshamaa balamashakhthaanaam shakthaanaam bhooshanam kshamaa I
Kshmaa vasheekruthee lOkE kshamayaa kim na siDhyathi II”
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No man is born who does not make enemies and who then become the cause of much unhappiness in life. Therefore, serious thought must be given to how even when surrounded by enemies one can remain untroubled and happy. Is it possible to overcome all enmity through sheer physical strength? That may not be possible since our enemies may be much stronger than we and may easily subdue us. If we think that with the aid of weapons, say, like knives or swords etc., we may be able to prevail over our strong enemies, again, we might only end up discovering to our utter chagrin that by virtue of might which is superior to ours, our enemies actually are able to turn our own weapons against us. It is thus that men of the world often find it difficult to live peacefully with so many enemies around them.
However, there is one effective weapon in the world which if possessed enables one to prevail over all enemies. That weapon is not made of out of any metal, such as copper, silver, iron, steel or wood. Rather the weapon is fashioned using the human mind. And the weapon is called “kshamaa”: Forbearance, also otherwise known as Patience (“porumai”).
If a man possesses this quality of forbearance/patience, then there is no antagonist in life who must be feared. Adversaries and enemies may spite a man, harass him, mock or humiliate him, or even assault him, but if the man remains unperturbed and meets and resists all their attacks with this weapon called calm, patient Forbearance that he wields by hand, they will all ultimately realize the futility of their attempts to cow him down and, eventually, they will withdraw muttering to themselves, “This fellow is a harmless, virtuous man… there’s nothing to be gained by harassing him. Let’s leave him alone”.
Now, you may ask me: “Just a moment ago, you told us that this special weapon is to be fashioned out of one’s mind and invoked mentally… And yet now you are saying this weapon is to be wielded by hand… How is one to understand what you say?” Let me then explain it all to you.
Forbearance of course is a quality possessed in the mind, but is it not necessary that it should be manifested too? An inward mental quality ought to be exhibited through external behavior, and that is why I say that “kshamaa” as a mental weapon has got be wielded by hand.
You may ask now how is one to express an inward, ethereal quality of the mind through outward physical gesture. I say that expression can be made by us through the joining of the palms with folded hands (i.e. the humble ‘namaskaara’ or “anjali mudra”). That single gesture of ours denotes not only the absence of haughtiness in us but also that, instead, we possess the quality of enduring Patience (‘porumai’) against which our adversaries soon find they really have no defense at all and hence find it best to retreat saying to themselves, “poor man… he can harm no one… let us leave him alone”.
An analogy will help understand this fact. Assume there is a piece of barren land in the wilderness where a wild fire breaks out. If the land is so completely barren that not even grass or weeds are found growing upon it, what happens? With nothing to feed upon and burn further, the wildfire by itself dies out and disappears, does it not? In the same way, when our enemies find nothing of arrogance or other such aggressive qualities in us, and instead they confront only the tranquil quality of “kshamaa” in us, realizing then that there is no fuel to inflame their enmity, they discover there is really no choice other than to quietly withdraw and fade away.
A profound thinker who has studied very deeply this human quality of Forbearance has explained it indeed very beautifully… (i.e. through the 3 shloka-s above).
There is no doubt that there is such a thing called natural beauty or what is known as “physical attractiveness” … in both man or woman… and it gets greatly enhanced by ornamentation. But can mere ornamentation by itself add to beauty to either a man or a woman who is completely bereft of natural beauty or grace? Ornamentation in that case only makes the man look a bit simian. And as for the woman who, although endowed with no natural beauty, yet lavishly adorns herself with jewels, she only ends up looking like an overdressed old hag and harridan of a monkey – and almost exactly as the old saying describes her: ….
“vruddhavaanaramukhee viraajathE”.
Thus, wherever we find beauty not being naturally present in either man or woman, no amount of ornamentation is able to enhance or embellish his or her looks; and attempting to substitute natural beauty with ornamentation results only in enhanced ugliness. But when attractiveness and beauty are both naturally present in a man or a woman, there ornamentation certainly enhances their looks. So, one might therefore conclude that true ornamentation for either man or woman is nothing but natural attractiveness itself.
But even if one regards natural beauty of a woman or the attractiveness of a man as being an ornament by itself, it must be realized that there is yet another one which further embellishes such an ornament. You may wonder how on earth one ornament can be ornamented by yet another? It most certainly can. If a beautiful necklace is worn round a neck, wouldn’t adding a nice sparkling little pendant to it make it look even more beautiful? Likewise, doesn’t an ear-dangler or nose-ring dazzle more if its centerpiece is another brilliant studded gemstone? In a great assembly of scholars, is not often said of one who presides over it that it is his very presence that indeed adds greater luster to the gathering? In the same sort of way, it may be said that if natural beauty is an ornament for a human being, then such ornament is ornamented by yet another one which goes by the name of “guNa” — human qualities or virtuous attributes.
Just think for a moment deeply about what happens when someone approaches a person because he is momentarily attracted by the other’s striking handsomeness or beauty. But then he soon finds out that the person is full of haughtiness, airs, pretensions and snobbery… What happens then? All the physical attractiveness perceived earlier suddenly makes no impression at all! Similarly, let us imagine a father is looking for a suitable groom for his daughter. He gets carried away by the handsome mien of a young man. But then upon further inquiry into antecedents, the father discovers the young man has a reputation for ill-temper as quick as that of a choleric dog. Wouldn’t the father then immediately shrink away from the handsome man? Would he not think to himself then, “Thank God, good riddance, this chap is not for my daughter!” So, it becomes very clear that it is only when “guNa” i.e. good and noble human qualities, reside together with physical beauty in man or woman that personality becomes truly attractive.
Now, there is also an ornament that adorns even “guNa” to make it even more lustrous. Do you know what it is? If you don’t know, let me tell you about it.
We said that first there is natural beauty; then is there is “guNa” that is ornament to such beauty. Now, there is yet one other ornament that adorns both. It is called “gnyaana” or knowledge … i.e. knowledge about “bhagavath vishayam” or knowledge about Bhagavaan, the Almighty. A person who possesses no knowledge about Bhagavaan lives a life of utter waste and purposelessness. Therefore, we say, that he who possesses such knowledge indeed possesses the greatest of all ornaments in life.
We must know now too that even such knowledge called “bhagavath vishayam” stands ornamented by the quality called “kshamaa”. A man may possess knowledge of God but if he is bereft of the attribute called Forbearance then even such knowledge serves no purpose at all to him. If he has no “kshamaa” in his heart, he will find no disciples or followers to whom he can impart his great knowledge of God. A man known for his knowledge but known too for his lack of forbearance and patience thus will not be able to command the respect of fellowmen. Without “kshamaa” there can be no “bhakthi yoga” that can be put into effective practice; and when there is no such effective effort, no yogic benefits can be reaped either.
Where there is no forbearance in the heart, there Anger and Passions – “kaama-krodha”, the two greatest enemies of Man, begin to breed easily and force him to go astray. The best weapon to use against these two mortal enemies of Man is “kshamaa” indeed. With forbearance one conquers “kaama-krodha” and attains “brahma-gnyaanam”, the knowledge of the soul. It is with such knowledge of the soul that one then begins to gain knowledge of the yoga called Bhakthi which in turn leads to knowledge of Mukthi, or eternal Liberation — the liberation that is granted by the grace of the Almighty.
Considering all the above, therefore, it may be said that “kshamaa”, Forbearance indeed is the most priceless ornament for a human soul. This is what as profound truth has been revealed to us so beautifully by the wise man who spoke through the shlokas (quoted at the beginning).
If one were to read and re-read the second “shloka” to understand its message, a doubt may arise in the mind.
It is all well to say that “guNa” is ornamentation for physical attractiveness, “bhagavath-vishaya gnyaana” is ornament for “gunA”, and in turn for such “gnyaana” the true ornament is “kshamaa”… and all that. But then we might ask ourselves what happens to the case of men and women who, in the very first place, possess no physical features of any distinction worth ornamenting at all? It is utter folly to think that simply with good looks and an attractive physique one can easily gain everything else one desires in life. Let us examine the matter a little more closely.
A man may be very handsome but then he happens to be a dumb. Will any father desire a groom who is a dumb for his daughter? A young man looks most attractive but is known to be rebellious wastrel… Will such a man be a desirable groom for one’s daughter? Or, a young man is dashingly handsome but then knowing him to be one who keeps constant company with friends who are habitual drunkards and carousing with them… would any father seek him as a groom for a dear daughter?
And vice versa, it is the same case with beautiful young nubile maidens too. Their physical attractiveness alone will not be desired unless it is accompanied by the other virtues too that are mentioned.
You may now ask me: “A person is not physically attractive at all, but is found to have all the other virtuous “guNa” you mention. Is that acceptable?” My answer is yes, it is indeed acceptable.
It is “guNa” that is of prime importance. If it is accompanied by attractive physical attractiveness (“roopam”), of course, that would be ideal; but if one of them has got to be absent, then rather, better it should be “roopam” than “guNa”. “Guna” can be compared to a rough gold-ingot while “roopam” can be likened to sweet-smelling perfume. A perfumed ingot (if ever there was one) might of course be most desired but then without the sweet scent of perfume, is the value or preciousness of the ingot going to be any the less? The value of “kshamaa” as a “guNa”, likewise, is thus incomparable and it just cannot be overstressed.
In the third shloka quoted, the wise man who inquired into the quality of “kshamaa” gives us a unique insight into it which all of must really appreciate.
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“kshamaa balam asakthaanaam”… For one who lacks strength and who yet wishes to thrive in life, he or she can find source of great strength in “kshamaa”.
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“sakthaanaam bhooshanam kshamaa”… For one who is able to achieve what he desires in life through pluck and resourcefulness, if he were to possess “kshamaa” too, it then greatly enhances his stature. People look upon such a person and say admiringly, “How enterprising this person is and yet how forbearing, calm and patient he is while going about his work!”
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“kshamaa vaseekruthee: lOkE”…. It is through the power of one’s calm forbearance and patience alone, besides other virtues, that one is able to easily win the affections of one’s fellowmen. There was this son-in-law who was continually heaping scorn upon his father-in-law for all manner of reasons. But the father-in-law patiently ignored his son-in-law’s deprecations. Instead of reacting in kind the man went about speaking in glowing terms to others in the family about how praiseworthy was his son-in-law. After a while, the son-in-law’s antipathy towards the father-in-law began to diminish by itself and he came to his senses on his own! This works the other way too, as we sometimes see, when a son-in-law showing great forbearance in dealing with a rather cantankerous father-in-law is gradually able to bring about a change of heart in the latter, who then later showers affection upon a son-in-law whose praises he cannot sing enough.
There is also this example of an employer who thinks nothing of abusing and taking to task severely his servant for every little lapse in doing his duties. But the servant is a man of great forbearance and so instead of returning abuse for abuse, he gently tells his boss, “Sir, whenever you abuse me like this you do remind me of my own father who, when I was young, used to similarly take me to task very harshly for any little transgress of mine”. The following day, the employer had a change of heart… and for all we know he might well even have rewarded the poor servant out of soft sympathy for him!
We know that mothers out of the great love they have for their daughters never make too much ado about the faults and foibles of their daughters. Such mothers when they show the same forbearance and patience towards their daughters-in-law when they are found guilty of any fault, by showing such kindness and “kshamaa”, instantly earn the latter’s affections manifold.
There is another little story about this poor but philanthropic-minded person who used to go around town to homes, ever so frequently beseeching donations from wealthy persons and their families to enable him to organize religious charity-banquets (‘thadhi-aaraadanam’) for scholar-vidwaans as well as for the poor and destitute.
One such wealthy person to whom the person had gone home to make his humble appeal, turned on him with great annoyance and yelled at him, “Don’t you have any other useful work to do other than going around like a busybody pestering everybody? Why don’t you do some real hard work to earn a living … maybe serve as a porter lifting sacks of grain in a farm or warehouse?”
To this rude outburst the man did not react as one might have expected. He was a man of great forbearance and calmly, without showing any trace of anger, he replied to the wealthy man:
“Sire, what else am I to do to help my own cause? The Almighty seems to have ordained that I should go about in life only as I do now. When I go around town beseeching donations, many times have I had to bear the brunt of unkind words similar to yours thrown at me… in fact, I have had to hear and bear much worse abuse hurled. But having heard such rude words so often, I have now actually become inured to them. Sire, but this is exactly how for the last ten years I have gone about organizing “thadhi-aaraadanam” events, thanks to the donations of generous people of this town. I have been able to conduct on occasions even great feasts such as the ceremonial “7-day aaraadanam” where hundreds of people are served. Each day after the last of the honored guests at the festive feast, fully gratified, leaves, I then feed myself with whatever food is there as leftover. You might say, Sire that it is all that leftovers upon which I have fed myself all these years which has turned my nature into the thick-skinned one I now possess and which knows no shame, no compunction and no squeamishness in continuing to do what I do in life. But then good Sire, I do understand very well why you are so annoyed and vexed with me and with my appeal too. Sire, it does not matter if you do not oblige me this time… There is always next time when I can count upon your generosity. But meanwhile, Sire, may I at least appeal to you to direct me now to any other wealthy donor in this town you might know well, and who might perhaps favor me with charity at this present time?”
When the wealthy man had heard the above outpouring, he felt duly chastened and regretted immediately the churlishness he had earlier shown the man who had come looking simply for some help. To make amends he told him, “Look here, man, please don’t get offended by my hasty words!” And then he duly proceeded to make a handsome donation for the “thadhi-aaraadanam” that even exceeded the latter’s expectations.
Next, let us look at the expression in the shloka that says:
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“kshamayaa kim na siddhyathi?”
Through the practice of Forbearance, even the impossible becomes possible to achieve… In other words, “kshamaa” has the power to break down all barriers of communication and can bring about unity of very wholesome feelings amongst Mankind.
There was this man who was a wife-beater. He abused and harassed her in every reprehensible sort of ways possible. He kept her half-starved; let her remain in tattered, shabby clothes; gave her nothing to wear as decent jewelry… not even a simple ear-stud… and the only “jewels” she received were the scars she bore from the daily, cruel body-blows he dealt her! All the physical and psychological abuse she received at his hands, the wife bore it all with extraordinary forbearance and continued serving her husband with uncomplaining, unstinted, untiring faithfulness. But he would neither acknowledge nor appreciate her for her loyalty to him. And even in the moments of intimate conjugality which he enjoyed with her, he remained sadistic towards her. On the other hand, she remained submissive, telling herself that she ought to be content and grateful that despite all the abuse he heaped on her, at least he had not thrown her out of home and left her helpless on the streets.
To such an unhappy couple, in time was born a bonny baby-boy who soon became the father’s darling and apple of the eye. He was so besotted with the baby that he would spend hours with the child fondling and playing with it. One day while enjoying the pleasure of playing with his little son, he suddenly observed that while the baby always kept giggling at him and giving him broad, beaming but seemingly derisive grins, he did not do so while looking at his mother. This made the man think that the baby in some inexplicable way was mocking him with its grins as if to wordlessly convey to him this:
“You fool! You are besotted with me so much that you shower me with cuddles, kisses and fondles! It’s because you think of me as being so precious to you. But then why are you not able to understand and realize that she, your wife, who it is who has begotten me ought to be much more precious than I and therefore that much more worthy of your love and affection?”
From that moment onwards, every time the baby grinned at him, the more it began to dawn on him that his wife was indeed the true cause of his happiness in life, being the mother of his beloved child. Gradually, the handiwork of God began to have its effect on the man’s soul and soon thereafter the relationship between the couple changed for the good, forever. Forbearance began to work its magic and what once had seemed a relationship impossible to repair and restore to normal, happy conjugality, was achieved easily by the Grace of God!
Similar such instances abound in the world. There are, likewise, many instances known to me between Acharyas and their disciples where hopelessly dysfunctional relations were miraculously restored to a state of wholesome goodness thanks to this peerless quality called “kshamaa”.
There is one other very important matter I must hasten to share with all of you and let me do it now.
Men and women, and their families too, whom we come across in this world, we often find them to be undergoing great trials, tribulations and sorrows in life. They might have suffered setbacks of all manner and faced much humiliation. They might have suffered painful, grievous bereavement – through loss of near and dear ones like, say, a child, a grandchild, a spouse even. Or else, they might have suffered great loss of property and wealth. They could have been struck down otherwise by severe disease and illness too. They might have been orphaned even from a very young age…
There are so many such innumerable sufferings that people are known to have the misfortune to experience in the course of life. Even in the midst of all such grievous mishaps in life, it must be remembered by all of us that we should never let the quality of Forbearance, “kshamaa”, desert us. If we do so, then it would be easy in such moments of adversity for us to fall into wretchedly cursing our fate and bitterly blaming God for all the suffering we undergo. We must never under any circumstances allow such a reaction from ourselves even if it seems to be almost natural or reflexive. The God who is ever solicitous of our wellbeing should never be accursed like that by us, either out of sheer despair or under any other circumstance. Instead we must only tell ourselves that “All the misery and grief I am experiencing now is just dessert for my sins either committed in this lifetime or my previous ones”. It never behooves Man to cast aspersion upon the Divine under any circumstance for any reason whatsoever.
One should never entertain even a single disparaging thought towards the ever compassionate Almighty nor ever utter even a single critical word while speaking to others about Him. I have come across persons spewing words of scorn upon Bhagavaan on occasions such as when a parent bewails a son of his who has just failed in an examination! “Oh, how cruel is Bhagavaan to let my son fail like this?!” they moan. That is wrong. Even though it is natural human tendency to blame the Almighty for one’s plight, one should resist it. Instead, one must say, “My son’s failure is perhaps a way for me to atone for some past sin or transgression of mine…The fault lies not with God but in me.”
When Bhagavaan sees that we truly and solely blame ourselves and all our own transgressions for the fate we have come to suffer, and that we do not shift it all upon Him, then God’s attitude towards us is clearly described in these words spoken by himself:
“tam prasaadam karishyaami devairapi sudurlabham” I
i.e. My blessings that I rarely bestow upon even the ‘devas’, the gods, I shall surely shower upon such a person!
In this context we must remember with how much remarkable forbearance Sita (of the Ramayana), even while enduring the excruciating misery of solitude and imprisonment in the Ashokavana in Lanka, said this silently to herself about the cause of her own pitiable self:
“mammaiva dushkrutham kimchinmahadasthi na samshaya: I
“The cause for my miseries is none else but my own past transgressions”
We are fated by divine order to undergo the punishments that we deserve for our lapses, our sins of omissions and commission. But by being so punished, as so many of our wise Acharyas have said before, our spirits get cleansed of impurities and all the taint of sin. It is for this reason that even in the face of mortal adversity we must never think or speak disparagingly of Bhagavaan. And when we enjoy the fortunes of life, we should, at the same time, sincerely feel that it is all due to the Grace of the Almighty.
At all times through a man’s life, if he clings firmly to this quality of forbearance, “kshamaa”, if he were to deserve to be consigned to hell even because of his many sins, wittingly and unwittingly done, it is enough if he were to humbly join his palms together with folded arms… Bhagavaan will simply condone all sins, protect him from hell, and pave the way for him to attain the higher, happier worlds of the heavens. He who knows how to humbly join his palms together to symbolize the great quality of “kshamaa” within his heart, soon comes to realize that the simple act, by itself, is enough to elevate him to states of heavenly bliss and divine grace.
“Subhamastu”
